War on Divorce
Tips for sucessful co parenting.?
After divorce from a very strained relationship any tips on how we can co-parent with the least stress. (one three year old caught up in our mess) Thanks
Public Comments
- Stay cool and calm and try to be the parents that your kids deserve.
- well i have two boys with my ex. we have been split for almost 3 years. its hard. you want your kids all the time. so do they. you may be angry and want to screw them over. all i did was think of my kids. i thought man, if they only get to see their dad every other weekend like most , then they may feel that their dad doesnt love them as much as i do. i dont want that. of course i was them 24/7, but i want everything to be equal. so their dad has them one week and i have them the next week. i ask them if they like the way things are and they do. so thats all that matters. not what i want, not what he wants, but how my kids feel. also neither of us pay child support. if they go to the dr we split the bill. if they play sports we split the bill. and so on. works great.
- From what I have read, the best bet is to have a business-like, co-parenting relationship. Your business now, is to raise a healthy and happy child who gets to love and know both of you individually. You may want to keep your contact and conversations limited to your child only, so other issues don't come into play. You have divorced and moved on, so keeping it limited, since there was strain, may be a good idea. This will also make it easier to bring someone new into your life and move on, if that is what you would want one day. Hopefully you are on decent speaking terms and both agree your child is most important and that you can show a friendly face towards each other in front of the child. If you have trouble speaking to each other, a good way to communicate, would be to place a journal or note pad in the child's bags, that way you can write things down to each other about what is going on with your child and their needs. Just an idea. This is only necessary if you can't manage to speak to each other on good terms. Also keeping a set schedule for when the child is exchanged can be important and "always" sticking to it, unless there is an emergency. They need structure and I have seen where one parent uses the other parent and comes up with last minute changes or doesn't take the child when they are suppose to. This can cause frustration and upset in the one parents and child's life, so keep it fair and stick to the agreement on both sides. Also, if either parent has a new person in their lives, it is an even better reason to stick to a schedule, so things can be planned and the new relationships aren't strained by it. I have also seen where ex-spouses with kids can become "too" friendly after divorce and this type of too close friendship can actually cloud judgement as to what is best for the children, because the close friendship is put before what is best for the kids. It depends on the type of personality's one is dealing with. Not that this could be the case for you, but something to consider if you ever get to that point. I have first hand seen a good friend go from hating their Ex, to making peace and then the extreme opposite and end up being a complete door mat for their Ex. It also left them wide open to being manipulated and used. Sad, but true. It is great if ex-spouses are friends, but set healthy boundaries to maintain and think about your future and how things may effect you in the long term. Just my two cents...based on some of what I have seen and read about. Not sure if it will help any. Best wishes!!
- Keep things business like and don't get sucked into emotional wrangles. Write things down so that you don't forget visitation times and dates. Agree that you won't criticise each other in front of the child - my ex criticises me constantly to my 9 year old and the child's head is trashed because of it!
- Wow, this is the same as my situatuion!! I found it was easier to write any special instructions down and give them to him/her as a letter, a very formal one. This way you are not stood together talking about your little one with him/her telling you that s/he already knows all of this even though s/he may not, which causes a row which little one will see...not nice. Also, try to keep VERY cool and aloof. Completely detatch yourself if you can and cry later when little one and especially ex isn't there to see. How ex's love to see the pain they are still capable of inflicting on their divorced one! If s/he starts to arugue with you when you see or talk to him on the phone, tell him/her you're going to hang up until they can be reasonable and then terminate the conversation. Switch off your mobile and leave the home phone off the hook. If the argument happens on the doorstep then calmly close the door on him/her. Remember it is your home, and you make the rules. Even on the doorstep. And the same applies when/ if you go to their house. It's their rules I hope you manage to find a happy medium with this. It took me and my ex husband three years to get there, and even now and again it's a bit strained. Just try to remain in control and never ever use baby as a pawn, which I am sure you wouldn't do. Best of luck babe
