War on Divorce - Why do people divorce after decades?

Why do people divorce after decades?

I work with this lady, she has been married for 25 years and is now divorcing. Why would someone be married for decades and then divorce? After 20-30 years people have been through so much with their spouse, you would think they would be happy together forever! Do you think people divorce after so long because the children are grown? Maybe cheating? Boredom? What do you think?

Public Comments

People get divorced when one of them stops growing.
Probably for all the reasons you have mentioned. They are in hopes of finding some excitement because the liveliness in their marriages died long ago.
I think people miss the passion that being with someone can offer. Being with someone for a long time can start to feel more like a friendship and a habbit. Humans are naturally creatures of habbit so changing that can be scary but eventually people get bored. We all need some sort of passion and excitement.
Why is the Divorce Rate Rising With Age? THE common curmudgeonly perception is that the youth of today aren't very good at commitment. While there may well be some truth in that, they are certainly not the only ones. According to a survey by Saga magazine, the divorce rate among couples in their 50s and 60s is rising sharply. In Scotland, the proportion of divorcees approaching retirement age is higher than the average. But rather than pointing to a relaxed attitude towards marriage creeping in among older generations, most experts believe the rise is much to do with the financial independence of women. Once children leave home, an unhappy marriage is more clearly exposed as such and, while thoughts of losing the family home or financial security once held women back, many now feel able to look after themselves, having had their own careers. The survey says that over the past five years the divorce rate for the 50s to 60s age group has increased by 8.7-per cent. The age a person gets divorced is increasing -the average age for men is 42 and 39 for women, compared with 39 for men and 36 for women 10 years ago. Those in the 50 to 64 age group are now more likely to be divorced than those aged between 35 and 49. Mick Jagger, who was divorced from Jerry Hall in 1999 at the age of nearly 56 (after famously contesting that the wedding, in Bali, was valid in the first place), is not so unusual. For Paula Hall, a relationship counsellor with Relate, the trend among the over-50s can be attributed to a higher expectation of romantic relationships, rather than disregard for marriage. "People used to stay together come what may because that was what you did, " she says. "The concept of a marriage being happy or unhappy wasn't relevant. Now we want happy, fulfilling relationships. We live longer, healthier lives, we have another 20 or 30 years of marriage and people are unwilling to spend all that time in an unhappy relationship." The think-tank Demos predicts that there will be two million elderly people living alone in 10 years' time. Dr Maryanne Vandervelde, a psychologist and founder of the Institute for Couples In Retirement in Seattle, has spent many years exploring the challenges faced by couples after many years of marriage. After retirement, she says, couples can be surprised that life isn't as straightforward as they always predicted it would be. The long periods of free time, decisions about where to live and how to manage money, whether to get pets and what kind of sex life they want to have, are suddenly much more pressing issues. "One reason so many couples have problems in retirement is that they don't anticipate the changes accurately, " she writes in her self-help book Retirement for Two. "The adjustment may take some time and effort, and retirement will never be perfect." Hall adds that many people are divorcing, just because it seems a less difficult option. "There's less stigma attached to it, more people are doing it, so more want to do it. And because there are more people doing it, there are more single people available, and the prospect of finding someone new is increased." For others, however, divorcing after decades of dedication is nothing nearly as cosy as a lifestyle choice. Margaret Cook's very public separation from the ex-foreign secretary Robin Cook at the age of 52 was forced upon her after 28 years of marriage, when it came to light he had been having an affair. Her view of divorce among her age-group is that it's a natural follow up to an era of increased sexual freedom, but also "the way men are". "The superimposition of the male ethos on the female ethos has a lot to do with it, " she says. "Sticking with someone for life is part of the female morality and men have to come up against it or fit in with it." Young women, she says, should prepare for this because it is unlikely to change. "Men aren't all rotten, " she says. "But if we're realistic, what they get out of a relationship and what a woman does are completely different. When someone divorces in their 50s they are left with precious little. They lose their esteem, social network, their friends and house. "Young women entering into relationships must not lose their identities in it. It's easy to get caught up in the romance, and think that yours is different, and lose touch with friends or your own source of income. "The tendency is to follow the man and get lazy about your own network. This kind of imprinting is something women do much more strongly than men. Men want women to do that, and will often belittle their relations and friends, encouraging women to drop them. The longer you're with a partner, the more inextricably linked you are, and the more painful the split can then be." If all that sounds rather bleak, Cook is nothing if not an example of how even a messy and unwanted divorce can be turned into an opportunity. "Although it hurt, my divorce being so public gave me a voice. Anything I said ended up near a newspaper front page, and that was seductive and empowering. "It must have wreaked all kinds of psychological havoc for me but it also meant that I discovered I like writing and having my views known. "For most people, this won't be their situation, but they must make an opportunity of whatever theirs is. When people are bereaved or lose a partner they can get a real burst of emotional energy, and it needs an outlet." But not even Cook, who used her burst of emotional energy to write an explosive autobiography and Lords of Creation: The Demented World of Men in Power, thinks women left single later in life should give up hope of finding another excellent partner. "There are an awful lot of lonely people out there and nobody should give in, " she says, in agony aunt mode. "It's not the end of your life, and it's no shameful thing to sign up to a dating agency. "Men tend to drown themselves in beer, but women tend to go out more. It's crazy when there are other people in the same situation to not go out and meet each other." ALARM BELLS FOR RETIREES Getting under one another's feet Some couples feel guilty for getting irritated by being in one another's company for too long, but it's natural to want a little freedom. Find at least one activity you both enjoy so you can spend fun time together, but allow one another exclusive hobbies too. Arguments over money Some retired people want to enjoy the money they've worked hard for, but others are more cautious. It's important to address the issue, as money niggles can be the cause of bitter resentment. Poor communication After years of marriage, routine can end up being the thing that happens where conversations used to be. Make time to talk to your partner about something other than taking out the bins. Realising you've changed The children leave home, and you see the ways you neglected your own marriage to look after them. See this as an opportunity to rejuvenate your marriage.
sometimes people aren't fully happy in the marriage. sometimes it is for the best and sometimes not. i think divorce is a sin unless the guy/women is beating you or cheating on you or doing something bad to your kids you have no reason to divorce him....but there are sometimes people marry for lust and not love and don't stay togther for ever...It all depends.
I think it is truly sad to be with someone for so long and go through so much together and then divorce each other. I know a lot of people that have done it though. One of my friend's parents have been married 45 years and they are getting a divorce. Why? Because, her husband is cheating on her with a woman in her 20's! It seems like that is the case in most of the marriages of my friend's and their parents that have failed after a long time. It's all about sex!
I think its b/c they realize that they aren't all that happy and life is too short - so they decide they are going to live and have fun.
Your first idea is a good one I think....the children are grown and now some couples might find they don't have much in common. The way it was, taking care of the kids, working to support them is over and now they are kinda lost as to what to do. Mainly because they were so wrapped up in raising the kids they forgot about one another. Boredom as you said is probably another good possibility. One partner may have gotten set in their ways and doesn't want to do new things or maybe even the old things they used to do together. Causing the other spouse to maybe wonder a bit looking for some companionship elsewhere. Women go through the big change and men have their own mid-life ordeals....and sometimes those people get a little "crazy" for lack of a better word and start acting out, cheating, just not being who they used to be. I think it's pretty wierd when I hear of these stories too....I've been married 10 years in April and am hoping we stick it out to at least our 75th wedding anniversary, ha.....that would put us at 93 :)
Some people feel they have grown apart and that they have difference needs as they once had at the beginning of the marriage. Some people stay married until the children are grown. Or it could be as simple as someone has a wonder eye!
Possibly all of what you said but, sometimes I think they see life slipping away and one or the other wants one last chance at a different life. It's called mid-life crisis. Sometimes they get over it after a few months to a yr. but, beyond that it's usually permanent.
ILL TELL YOU WHY I DIVORCED my x left me 2 years ago, i thought hed love me forever everything i thought we were working to build for our golden years was gone wiped out our two year old daughter was killed in a freak accident and he sought comfort in the bakery lady at food lion after being seperated for 2 years thinking and hoping hed change his mind and come back i found out he was calling escorts and doing coke and smoking pot then he got fired from his job which paid 90k a year i just found out the man i married wasnt who i thought he was and i just got tired of being alone and sex deprived all the time he didnt pay bills and the entire time i felt he was always looking for greener grass on the other side of the fence you cant make someone love you and you cant pretend you arent loved so you just realize time is short and you can do bad by yourself and you pray each day god will send you a little bit of happiness the rest of your years that is what i think
I also ask myself the same thing. I don't know how people can get so used to each other and then be able to part ways with no problems. After been together for 20-30 years you would think that they become part of each other and can't see themselves with out each other. It's weird. It could be boredom, cause boredom leads to unfaithfulness and unfaithfulness leads to emptiness.
In my case may be getting a divorce because wife went wild and started doing drugs and cheating a lot. This after 17+ years marriage
sometimes things get old and people let love die so they grow apart!
I don't think I want my car for 25 years....but at least my wife will age better than my car. Hope I do as well.
The marriage was over long before the 25yr mark. I imagine the kids were the reason they would have stayed together. To provide normalcy. I think it is failure to change. Marriage is a partnership. We need certain things from each other at certain times in our lives. Either partner could have damaged the others feelings beyond repair. Probably a combination of many things and not just one....we are complex emotional beings. I think about divorce. I too have been married for 25 years. I have stayed for the kids.
Well it's a much different world now than it was back 20, 30 yrs ago. I think in most situations such as u mention, most have been so much with their spouse (not good things).. they finally wake up and decide Ok, this is the day I get outta this mess! I think alot of women that have been married that long were raised with the belief once married, always married... and the way our society has changed over the years that it doesn't look down it's nose at divorced females as much as it used too, couples divorcing after such lengthy marriages are on the rise. Women are much more independent nowadays and more confident in being alone and taking care of themselves.... and yes, alot wait until their children are grown to get out of a marriages where there is abuse, or the passion has fizzled, where both partners have grown apart, or to find themselves!!
Yes, they can divorce for some of the reasons that you mentioned and alot more as well. Personally, I divorced after 32 years because I learned that I could be okay on my own. I learned that I was a person that was capable of making my own decisions. I was capable of talking and meeting people without someone hanging around watching every word that I said. I was capable of going out on my own and getting an income. My ex was extremely controlling and I wasn't going to have it any more.
I can answer this. I have been married for 12 years and sometimes you just fall out of love. Or you grow apart and i have 4 kids but i dont stay together for them it is just that right now i am so far apart from my husband it is not even funny. To be honest it just happens, I think most people dont leave for so long cause they get comfortable or for me it is the fear of the unknown i am scared to be alone cause i have not been in 12 years. That is why they wait so long it is the fear of being alone, I mean i love my husband i just have fallen out of love with him. You grow apart. I think the fear keeps you together. Fear of the unknown
I am about to leave my husband after 27 years together. I thought I would be with him for ever but after affairs, mental abuse and now internet women I have had enough. You just never know what goes on in their lives that they don't share with others.
That's not a phenomenon, but a one-off kind of an incident.
For whatever reasons of mismatch, most people endured and hung on for their children's sake, but when they grew up and are able to be independent. Whats there to hold you back from that miserable life